Drinking in Islamabad

In July, 2010, an article entitled - “Drinking in Islamabad”, appeared in Playboy Magazine. I read it online, as it's impossible to buy this magazine in Pakistan. Even in my native Ireland, Playboy only returned to the shelves in 1995, after a 36 year ban. The author of the piece, Lawrence Osbourne, came to Islamabad with the sole purpose of getting drunk in “one of the world's most alcohol-hostile nations”.

When I saw the title, I was pleased that at least one Western media outlet (sure, it's a soft porn magazine, but we all know that everyone buys it for the articles), was reporting on an aspect of life in Pakistan other than terrorism. However, upon reading the full article, I was disappointed to discover that the author hadn't gone beyond the Marriott, the Serena and Murree brewery in his half-hearted attempt to get drunk in the land of the pure; so I decided that in this week's column I'd outline alcohol procurement options and challenges for non-diplomatic foreigners in Islamabad.

The most straight-forward way of securing an alcohol supply is to pick it up at the duty-free and smuggle it into the country. Technically it is illegal to import alcohol, but the penalty for doing so is light (confiscation), and sneaking the stuff past customs is not that difficult. The best thing to do is to look as white as possible, while pretending to be engaged in an important discussion on your mobile phone. The customs officials are normally too polite to attempt to stop you, and it's worth the risk, as the worst case scenario is that you lose your alcohol which cost you only a fraction of what you'd pay on the Pakistani black market.

If you don't want to become a transnational alcohol smuggler, another option is to get a permit to buy alcohol from government outlets. This used to be a perfectly viable option, but since there is only one brewery in the country, increased demand has led to prolonged shortages. My advice is to forge a friendship with the permit room staff, so that when beer does arrive (which is rare these days), you'll get a call saying “sir, we have beer”, and you can drop your phone, hop in your car and get there before the bootleggers and the Chinese restauranteurs arrive to clear the place out.

Another alcohol procurement option is the bootlegger. The term “bootlegging” comes from the practice of concealing flasks of alcohol in the legs of boots in prohibition-era America. Bootlegging is still practiced here in Pakistan, and is the primary source of alcohol for ordinary Pakistanis. Getting your booze from a bootlegger is quick and simple – with the bootlegger often delivering to your door, but it is expensive (at least twice the permit room rates), and you never really know what you're getting.

Some time back, I unwrapped a bottle of whiskey which had come from a bootlegger, only to look at the label and think I was already drunk, as I appeared to be seeing double. When I looked again, I realized that I was not seeing double, but that the cheap printing equipment with which they'd tried to recreate the “Famous Grouse” label had malfunctioned, giving it a blurred and lopsided look. The liquid inside the bottle was of a similar standard to the label, and I made sure to provide some strong customer feedback to the bootlegger in question.

If the options outlined above don't work out for you, you can always consider the final, and possibly least attractive option – befriending a diplomat. Now, I know what you're thinking – diplomats are amongst the most boring, intolerable people on the face of the earth – I agree, but I think it's also worth noting that they have access to some of the cheapest and best quality booze in the country. If you're going to go for this option, you will just have to grin and bear the company until the third or fourth drink kicks in, by which point, you'll most likely no longer give a damn.

OK, since it's Friday, I'll wish you all good luck in your weekend alcohol procurement endeavors.